Course 1, Diary 8: Self-portrait Part 4 & Subvert Part 1


The next topic was making a subvert. Others started to move on to that and I took my black pencil and started to color the background. For the sake of keeping broken parts on chains visible in the dark, I added more blood to them. By the end of the lesson I was ready and I tried to take a good picture of the result. The light in the classroom is not very good in addition to my phone’s camera being quite bad, so I did not get very good pictures. I did what I could to improve the quality with Gimp, but I could not do enough. In addition to that the paper crumbled a bit in my backpack (I did not want to fold it so I could not put it to a binder). It’s too bad, really.

The final self-portrait

Now that his is ready, I want to tell you guys what this represents. And here it comes in italic. I have to warn you, that this is a rant.

Like someone who reads this may already know, I have been bullied in my life. Things have been difficult and many scars have been left even though one cannot see them. I still am maybe even more wary than I should about telling some things about myself to people I don’t know. It did not do any good back when this all happened, not at all. It just made the things worse, I believe. Even though I’ve got friends I see daily at school or with whom I talk via the internet, even though I have gained a lot of courage and self-esteem, it does not make anything undone. It does not erase the scars, it does not make those things fade away. Memories can fade, and I admit that my bad memory has lost a lot of those things, but some things stay in mind. Some things I can’t forget. And what’s more, the traces it has left stick forever.

Outside, I am not a very beautiful person. I am not the beauty you see in an advertisement or at fashion shows. I acknowledge this and I don’t mind. Please, don’t get me wrong: I don’t think I am ugly. I am something between these two. And, of course, this is a very subjective thing. But inside this skin that covers everything starting with the fingers that press the keys which tell the computer to add certain letters to the text that is formed on Word, is something that is more beautiful than the shell. This is why I drew myself more beautiful than I look like.

The girl in the picture is me. That’s simple. The chains represent the bullying. I have been chained, imprisoned, stopped from doing things or going to certain places. It metaphorically represents that. The broken skin that has come from fighting against the chains is the scars I carry. The blood that is bleeding out of the spots previously covered with skin is the hurt I’ve been inflicted to. The shady forms that laugh, that whisper to each other while holding the chains are those who have hurt me, who have wanted to harm me, to degrade me. There is blood on the chains, but those chains have been broken. I am no longer chained by these people who don’t accept me the way I am. It has hurt, but I have broken away. I am putting the darkness of those bad times behind my back. I am walking into the light, and I am not going to turn back. I am not going to even look back, and I am determined to stay in this decision. This maybe even obstinate determination is what shows on my face.

This is part of who I am. This is the symbolic meaning of this self-portrait.

I did manage to get the idea to my subvert. We have the option of making it on a computer. The school’s own computers have only Microsoft Paint, which I have not used for a long time, as I moved to Gimp as I started to make art on my own time. Gimp can be difficult to use, but I think it is worth it. I have compared my MS Paint works to those I’ve made with Gimp, and there is a huge difference in quality.

For these reasons I am going to do this subvert on my own laptop – on my free time, of course.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s